Choosing Thankfulness

So, I have been grumpy. I choose this. It's not cool, but I have gotten my mind in a funk. I became grumpy when expectations I had for this weekend went differently than I had hoped. I then started planning my Sunday, on Saturday while in a training session for work. I planned - it would be a jammie day and we would hang out - maybe I would go to the store early and get stuff to make breakfast. I would spend the day snuggling and playing with my girls. Well, I totally forgot we had our picture for the pictorial directory at the church at 11:30. I had it set in my head that I wasn't going to rush around and we would probably just go for the picture and leave - which is what we did. If I had thought things through differently though - starting with those thoughts that entered my mind and began forming a plan - YESTERDAY, today might have gone differently. You see, most of the day really didn't go how I had planned. We did lots of things I didn't want to do - not bad things...just not in MY plan for my ONE day off. So, that gave me the right to be a turd and to have total blackness in my heart - or so I thought. I am realizing now, I wish I would have recognized the totally selfish thoughts that were in my head yesterday that completely blinded me from seeing clearly today. I really wish NOW that we would have gone to church for more than just the picture because I really believe I needed and still need to renew my mind. To get my eyes off of just ME. When I am focused solely on what affects me, my whole family is thrown off because how can I even begin to see what God has for US when I have my eyes turned INWARD. (sigh) There is much I would do differently these last few days - starting with having a better attitude. So, since I can't go and change even the most recent past, I will go ahead and make a change now. Right now, I choose thankfulness. Here are some of the things I am thankful for - as they come to my mind:

*Most definitely Travis, my partner in even the not so fun aspects of life, and especially the fun stuff - lol
* Keira Lynn - my compassionate, kind-hearted little girl who is so full of love and life. Her questions about God and life and people and whatever comes to her ever thinking mind always keeping me on my toes.
* Mia Promise - who is teaching me more and more every day how incapable I am at truly parenting but forces me to fall to my knees begging God to show me how to reach her. Her life is a blessing and I am thankful for her snuggles.
*I'm thankful for the opportunity to grow. That in hard times I have the chance to struggle though and with God with me every step, grow more and more into the person He has created me.
*I'm thankful for a wonderful family - extended, Trav's, step, genetic - all of it. The older I get, the more precious I realize family is.
*I'm thankful for a handful of friends that are more precious than gold - loyal, caring, loving, God fearing friends.

I could go on...I feel my heart changing. I feel the darkness beginning to flee. And I remember Scriptures that tell me that love casts out fear and I realize the basis for a lot of my behaviors these last few days have been founded in fear. Fear of things I would like to control and things that I think I CAN maybe control, but I can't. I am learning...sometimes more slowly than I think I should be. Hopefully, I still move an inch or so forward even when I fall back a few feet. Progress seems to be slow. But, I know it's when I give up, the battle has been lost. So, I will give thanks for the little things, the big things and keep on going.