Good stuff

In Sunday school at church we are learning about what it really means to follow Christ. Jody asked if there is a dfference between mental assent and following at a heart level. I would say - absolutely. Unfortunately, it is EASIER to follow what we think is the right thing based on a rule we made or someone else made for us, rather than actually follow Christ. Following Christ is uncomfortable and often times scary, delving into what feels like unchartered waters. The cool thing with it being so new is that we have no idea what each outcome will be. We can and should expect miracles continuously as we hold Jesus' hand in an incredible adventure.

Rule keeping is the easy way out. The law in the Old Testament is sort of like a tutor. It is there until people become mature enough to develop discernment. Living faith is born in the relationship, not in the rule keeping.

This reminds me of what someone told me about the sin of passivity. She was looking at Scriptures and seeing that the person who withdraws from relationship and seems passive can actually be at greater fault than someone who is commiting outward "evident" sins. (Mind you, I'm processing all of my B.S. stuff and the stuff from class and corelating all of this together so this may not really make sense to anyone else but me.) I am just beginning to really see how deep God is calling us to relationships - not just to Him but to each other. Say, Travis and I get in an argument and he is upset and I withdraw (which is what usually happens). I may feel completely justified for my withdrawal because to me, it may be uncalled for that he is upset. BUT, my withdrawal from engaging with him in working on our relationship is something that God takes very seriously. I am called to have an active part in my relationship with not only my husband but also my brothers and sisters in Christ.

One other thing Jody said is that conviction is God raising His voice. When we're convicted about something, He's speaking loudly, plainly, in our face. Conviction is an invitation for repentance - it is NOT in itself repentance, just the very beginning of the journey. She said to picture a car. God is driving. He pulls up to you and says, "Get in." And as you are driving you begin throwing all your baggage out the window at different points. Once the baggage is all thrown out, you come to a cul-de-sac which is where repentence takes place. We can only be truly repentant once we have gotten rid of all of our baggage. Then, once we've repented, we make a turn and go back in the opposite direction.

This is another thing she said that I liked, "God's communication with His children is like a fingerprint. They can be similar, but it is still unique to you." He loves us so much that He actually uniquely communicates with each one of us. Wow. Now, I really am wanting to hear Him so clearly - to drown out the loud voices of myself that have been there so long and to really hear and know Him. I want to have the assurance that I don't ever have to worry if "that was really God" because His voice will be so strong and seperate that I will totally know my God's voice from the others. His voice is beginning to get stronger in my heart, so I know it is starting to happen. Baby steps, I suppose. One day at a time.

God is in the clouds

So, my mind is full from another great weekend of being challenged. Our little Bible study group met early Sat. morning at my friend Jenny's house. It is weird because we are all reading different places in the Bible, yet I have been in awe of how much stuff ties together. This time, it was clouds. Jenny had actually researched clouds and found that God is IN the clouds much of the time in the Bible and the word "clouds" is mentioned 153 times in the Bible. Ellen mentioned that at Bible study that week, they talked about an angel that was wrapped in a cloud. I have been reading in Exodus in the part where God descended on Mt. Sinai and it was huge scary thing. The people had to do all kinds of ceremonial things just to be present and see the mountain. They weren't even allowed to come near it. God set boundaries around his holiness because he knew they would die. Only Moses was allowed near. But, the thing that really stood out to me was this verse. "The people remained at a distance, while Moses approached the thick darkness where God was." Exodus 20:21 "the thick darkness" In all of the verses that God is in the clouds and now there is a darkness that is almost tangible - that is where God is. It made me think, sometimes in the darkest times it feel like God is the furthest away. I am getting a new picture that in the darkness and clouds of my life - maybe that is when he is actually the closest. I always relate darkness to evil, sin, scary stuff. I relate God to light - which he is. But Satan is also an angel of light. I guess that's where it really comes in knowing God and having a relationship with him is how I'm going to discern and be able to see God in the darkness and walk forward not being afraid. I even think of decisions I have to make, where no one can tell me what to do, that is like darkness. I have to be able to hear his voice and trust He is with me.

I have more that I learned at church yesterday, but that will have to wait for another post. Gotta get ready for work!

Choosing Thankfulness

So, I have been grumpy. I choose this. It's not cool, but I have gotten my mind in a funk. I became grumpy when expectations I had for this weekend went differently than I had hoped. I then started planning my Sunday, on Saturday while in a training session for work. I planned - it would be a jammie day and we would hang out - maybe I would go to the store early and get stuff to make breakfast. I would spend the day snuggling and playing with my girls. Well, I totally forgot we had our picture for the pictorial directory at the church at 11:30. I had it set in my head that I wasn't going to rush around and we would probably just go for the picture and leave - which is what we did. If I had thought things through differently though - starting with those thoughts that entered my mind and began forming a plan - YESTERDAY, today might have gone differently. You see, most of the day really didn't go how I had planned. We did lots of things I didn't want to do - not bad things...just not in MY plan for my ONE day off. So, that gave me the right to be a turd and to have total blackness in my heart - or so I thought. I am realizing now, I wish I would have recognized the totally selfish thoughts that were in my head yesterday that completely blinded me from seeing clearly today. I really wish NOW that we would have gone to church for more than just the picture because I really believe I needed and still need to renew my mind. To get my eyes off of just ME. When I am focused solely on what affects me, my whole family is thrown off because how can I even begin to see what God has for US when I have my eyes turned INWARD. (sigh) There is much I would do differently these last few days - starting with having a better attitude. So, since I can't go and change even the most recent past, I will go ahead and make a change now. Right now, I choose thankfulness. Here are some of the things I am thankful for - as they come to my mind:

*Most definitely Travis, my partner in even the not so fun aspects of life, and especially the fun stuff - lol
* Keira Lynn - my compassionate, kind-hearted little girl who is so full of love and life. Her questions about God and life and people and whatever comes to her ever thinking mind always keeping me on my toes.
* Mia Promise - who is teaching me more and more every day how incapable I am at truly parenting but forces me to fall to my knees begging God to show me how to reach her. Her life is a blessing and I am thankful for her snuggles.
*I'm thankful for the opportunity to grow. That in hard times I have the chance to struggle though and with God with me every step, grow more and more into the person He has created me.
*I'm thankful for a wonderful family - extended, Trav's, step, genetic - all of it. The older I get, the more precious I realize family is.
*I'm thankful for a handful of friends that are more precious than gold - loyal, caring, loving, God fearing friends.

I could go on...I feel my heart changing. I feel the darkness beginning to flee. And I remember Scriptures that tell me that love casts out fear and I realize the basis for a lot of my behaviors these last few days have been founded in fear. Fear of things I would like to control and things that I think I CAN maybe control, but I can't. I am learning...sometimes more slowly than I think I should be. Hopefully, I still move an inch or so forward even when I fall back a few feet. Progress seems to be slow. But, I know it's when I give up, the battle has been lost. So, I will give thanks for the little things, the big things and keep on going.